Papa papa…where are you…Sakshi baby is missing you!!!

I did not shed a single drop of tear when I saw my father blend into the crowd at the ticket counter of the Bangalore airport on Sunday. Although I wanted to cry aloud and stop him from boarding the plane, I just bid him farewell with a million dollar smile on my face. After all I had to keep the promise that I made to my mother way back in the year 97!

Yeah that was long, really long time ago. I was in class 6 and my parents had in the year 1996 decided to admit me to the hostel of Sacred Heart High School, now my alma mater. For the first few months every time my parents dropped me off at the school gate, after the grand monthly holiday that we were allowed, I would cry, rather howl and beg them to take me back with them home. But my tears would show no mercy. In fact mom would persuade me to stick along with the rest of the gang for a better future and good education. One fine day when it was time to part yet again, mom took me aside and said, “If you want your father to cry after we are gone, then you may cry as much as you can in front of us. But if you want to see him happy after his return home, then promise me that you will never again let even a single drop of tear roll down your cheek, for you have no idea how he cries like a small baby at home thinking of you and your tears.” And from that day onwards, I vowed to myself that I would keep my mother’s words on mind and never give a chance to my parents to be unhappy and sad in my absence. I have from that day onwards kept the promise, so much so that I acted like a brave heart even when it was time to leave my family behind on my Wedding Day!

Anyway, seeing my father fade away from my sight was causing me enough pain. In a long long time my pleadings and requests had bore fruit, as a result of which papa had come to meet me in Bangalore. With a lot of uncertainties marring the ever changing plans of my parents for almost two months, finally dad had decided to come. My excitement knew no bound as time for dad to land drew closer and closer. I was in office but could not concentrate on work as my thoughts were wandering about my father. I just wanted to run out, scream and express my joy to the world. However, it wasn’t long before I actually met him, as he landed unexpectedly at office with hubby. My emotions knew no bound when I hugged him. I thanked God for the luxury of being in my adorable papa’s company, though for a few days.

With him around, I felt tranquil! His presence and serene aura around me was an assurance of his companionship, which I terribly missed being so far away from him. With him by my side, time flew very quickly and how minutes turned into hours, hours into days and days into week, I lost track.

Together we enjoyed shopping, eating, chatting, planning and just being with each other. More importantly we even relished the silence!
During his stay we showed him around a few places in town and he enjoyed the trips with a childlike vigour clicking photographs at every given opportunity.

His trip leaves me with wonderful memories to cherish for a long long long time to come. I miss you papa, and waiting anxiously for your next trip, which is going to be much more fun with the little one around. Love you dad. You are the best dad in the whole universe! Please come back to your princess soon...

To the one who endured the worldly pain to give me life…Thanks Ma!!!

In the middle of the night I as I lay in my bed alone, I wished there was someone close, really close besides me. My back hurt and my arms and legs had begun to swell. Body ache and restlessness had only started to take its toll on me. At that point in time, I wished there was someone to comfort me and ease me off the physical pain. I looked around, prayed hard but found no one….Ultimately submitting to my physical condition, my thoughts just began to fly towards the only person on this earth that would have gone out of her way to help me….to my adorable mother!

On the night of the Mother’s Day, I missed her presence like hell. All of a sudden a pang of guilt enveloped me. My heart started to bleed upon thinking of her. Oh! How I missed her magical touch that has always rescued me out of the mess, comforted me in the worst of times and assured me of her companionship in my isolation. I started to sob like a child and did I barely realize the tears falling down my cheek had wet my pillow.

I sprang out of my bed and cried aloud to her, for her. Ma where I you, I whispered in my loneliness to the air. With my hands covering my face and my thoughts revolving around her, I began to howl. Lord please tell my mommy that I am terribly missing her, please tell to come and give me the much need Jaadu ki Jhappi, I said.

The conscious, sub conscious and unconscious mind seemed to plot against me. The harder I tried to drift my feelings away from her the worse it got. My thoughts were constantly spinning around her. Along with the tears and sobs I began to think of the sacrifices she has had to make for me. The me in me began to curse me. Alas with each passing second I began to feel worse.

Will I ever be able to repay her? Can I even thank her enough for giving me life? What can I do to make her feel proud of me every moment? These were some of the thoughts that gripped me and compelled me to ponder about motherhood. Standing at the threshold of motherhood myself, I prayed and prayed and thanked God for giving me a mother as beautiful as her. I thanked Him for having her in life. I thanked her for teaching me the meaning of life. I thanked her for staying up all night to prevent me from dozing off during the exam studies. I thanked her for feeding me when I thought food was not my priority. I thanked her for playing with me in the rain. I thanked her for all the wonderful things and moments that we have shared together. Above all I thanked her for enduring the pain to bring me to this earth. I thanked her for giving me life.

Heart in heart I said a silent prayer for her well being and requested God to make her my mother if ever I were to take birth again.

They say since God can’t be with each one of us at the same time so he send angelic M.O.T.H.E.R.S. to take care of us. How true!!! Mothers are a heavenly blessing to each of us and we must cherish the Almighty’s immortal gift and the most beautiful creation.

Ma you are precious to me, you mean more than my own life to me, and now I realize your timeless and eternal worth, your selfless sacrifices and the meaning of your physical presence. Thank you my Yummy Mommy for being there for me always and forever. Let me take this opportunity to apologize to you all for the times when I have caused you undue pain, have hurt you by acting nasty and have failed to understand the deeper meaning of you sentiments. I know that these words are not sufficient to describe what you mean to me yet let me say this Ma that I love for you for not for what you have done for me but for who you have been to me!

Love you Ma, may all your dreams and desires come true. May you have a blissful life ahead. May joys and success kiss your feet and may you remain the same Mommy to me till eternity!!!

Will justice prevail or will Kasab walk Scott free to the land of terrorists?

It is ironic that the largest democratic country in the world, the country that we all take pride in has failed to send the brutal Pakistani murderer Ajmal Kasab to gallows yet. The barbarian youngster (yeah he’s perhaps 22 years old) who should long have met his fate after indiscriminately killing 166 people and injuring many more on November 26, 2008 in Mumbai is instead being shielded under the judicial system of India.

Just a couple of days back the court of law held him guilty, rubbishing his antics of being an “innocent” tourist! Alas the families of all the martyrs, who fell prey to his bullets on the ill-fated day, wait anxiously for the justice to be pronounced on May 6.

Is it not a shame on us the way this killer is being nurtured behind the four walls of his high security Arthur Road prison cell? And the police are forced to concede to his demands of delicious food and so on and so forth.

Can he even be termed a human? I say this because he took pleasure in seeing the innocent citizens bleed and drop dead in front of his eyes. In fact at that point in time he was relishing the taste of his mission being accomplished!

Every common man in the country feels overburdened with the kind of lavish treatment that is being given to this priciest prisoner. To me he seems to be a VIP guest from Pakistan, the country that even failed to recognize him as its citizen in the earlier stages of the investigation, who is enjoying the kind hospitality by his mentors’ ARCH RIVALS.

Why on earth is the Maharashtra government spending the tax payers' money to protect the assassin whose hands carry the blood stains of the harmless citizens of India? I am shocked to know that 2 lakh rupees a day is being spend to fulfill his needs and so far 35 crore rupees have gone down the drain on his worthless life.

And it is more painful to know that several of our dutiful and devoted jawans are deployed to risk their precious lives for this aimless criminal whose motto in life seems to snatch life out of harmless Indian citizens.

This money instead could have been utilized in a constructive way to make better the lives of hundreds of thousands of Indians living below poverty line.

It is high time that this over hyped criminal case meets its logical end as soon as possible lest Pakistan comes chanting the mantra of his innocence and sweeps him back to safe haven of terrorists (Pakistan) under the flaws of the Indian judicial System!

Sneak peak into the gas chamber…

Is it compulsion or willingness that’s holding me back at a place where only the chosen few have the privilege to the so called amenities? I mean why can’t I just call it quits? Perhaps it’s easier said than done. Yeah! Or maybe the idea of sitting idle at home is worse that enduring the daily dose of pain.

Well, I seem too puzzled. Have no clue where to begin from although am exploding to share my thoughts with you all. Ok let me start with the word go. First of all this place can hardly be termed as workable. I mean this pigeon hole or the notorious Hell Hole lacks even the basic requirements laid down under the Labour Laws to safeguard the welfare of the employees. Dingy and damp this place feels like a gas chamber circulating only carbon dioxide, and at times I feel the desperate need to inhale fresh oxygen. And when I step out of the premise to do just that, it snowballs into an issue. Oh Lord I have only realized here that taking a short break to rejuvenate myself is considered as a picnic. Or for that matter reading the newspaper on the relatively comfortable couch in the lobby is forbidden, forget about taking a call inside or in the same area! We are supposed to park ourselves in the company of our not so comfortable chairs till it is time to call it a day.

This kind of treatment is considered professional. What on earth makes these people think that they are P.R.O.F.E.S.S.I.O.N.A.L! Holy Lord please put some sense in the heads of those who are lodged in their comfy zones and think installing an AC in here is far too expensive a favour! A lot of pleading and begging too hasn't yielded any results in convincing their senseless logics for good. So end of topic one. However, the good news that the Editorial department would soon be moving into a new office somewhere close to the Hell Hole.

Often the management deems it to be its birth right to arrange office meetings and other important work related meeting on holidays like Saturdays and public holidays. And all and sundry ought to make it “WITHOUT FAIL” to such high priority meetings. Can you believe it that comp off is only a virtual reality! Holiday on the following Monday is accounted for a leave. Jesus it is really sick to be treated worse than school kids. After all we grown ups have our own dignity and command respect. Don’t we?

Hey did I mention about the attendance that we are supposed to mark in the office register wherein our in and out timings are mentioned and which goes to the MD for cross verification, sometimes via emails. As per the HR rules, in a given month if you fail to meet the 10:15 am deadline by more than four times, you end up losing salary for ONE working day. It is like exceeding the heights of cruelty. I mean you slog in the heat and sweat yet end up losing your share of hard earned money is way too much to handle.

Recently we were kind of forced to attend our first Annual Meet almost 45 kms away from Bangalore. By their standards it was a grand affair and by ours….needless to say!!! Although the place was good fun but their means and sense of enjoyment in no way matched up to the gang of Monami, Lavina and of course me *wink wink wink*

These are only a few instances that I can recollect at this hour. However, will keep you all posted with all the updates soon.

Time to hit the sack, it’s the best and the most awaited time of the day for me. So good night all.

So the caterpillar has blossomed into a beautiful butterfly….

Anticipation, chaos, excitement, and all the known emotions in the world seemed to have gripped me. I was feeling strange and awkward for no reason at all. I was about to meet an old pal nearly after a decade. Weird thoughts were rushing past me, and I was feeling the butterfly tickling in my stomach. Bizarre as it sounds, so it was! I tried to compose myself but wacky ideas wouldn’t let go of me. I seemed to be lost as I didn’t know how the meeting would shape up.

I was going to meet Amrita Mann, of the Centenary Batch 2000-2001. Faint, no, clear cut memories about her evoked at the back of my mind. In a rewind mode I began to recollect her image and personality. I could clearly visualize the studious soul (that is what most of us thought about her and I am sure Amrita would agree with me today) whose sole interest lied in books and whose only aim in life was to score 100 on 100 in every subject.

I was never too close with her in Sacred Heart High School, popularly addressed as SHHS, but today I was yearning to meet her. Yeah it is peculiar! Perhaps being in Bangalore, the place I term alien to my needs and culture and indifferent to my cause, has taught me to value and cherish people, old chums and acquaintances.

The reminiscences of Amrita, whom I last saw in Sacred Heart High School in 2001 are that of a pretty, intelligent young woman. At that time we were busy exchanging pleasantries, parting gifts and promises of keeping in touch with each other till forever and meeting at the first given opportunity. We were so naïve to even understand the fact of life that “Change is the only permanent law.” Still held up in our cocoons, thinking that life was going to be a bed of roses thereafter, we talked endlessly to each other (aware heart in heart that it was perhaps the last time we were doing so), posing for a cheerful click and bidding tearful adieu to the (lucky, it was the desperation to get out of the building) ones whose parents arrived to fetch her. We, the innocent caterpillars were aware and unaware at the same time that it would be a long wait before we would get to see or hear each other.

So my thoughts were wandering about Amrita as I finally started to walk from my office to the destination for the evening, Mainland China. I have reached where are you Amrita, I said over the phone. And it wasn’t even a minute before she landed in front of me. Apprehensive as I was, we exchanged the regular Hi(s) and warmly hugged each other. It is not all that bad to reunite with a long lost school mate after all, I thought. We then quickly decided to walk in to the restaurant.

After comfortably seating ourselves and placing the order, we got into the mode. So, we got talking and me as usual did the most of it. We met straight after school and heavens here we were discussing marriages, classmates, old times, careers and all the mature topics that once only amused us and we thought were meant for others as they did not fall under the purview of our Priority List. We sipped our respective soups, ate lemon chilly potatoes and talked on varied subjects that we assumed were a forbidden territory once upon a time.

From school kids to matured and married ladies, we discussed the fascinating journey of our lives. I was counseling her on marriage and the importance of choosing the right guy before taking the big leap. It was a bit odd, but I somehow managed to hold my ground. Needless to say that so very dreaded “M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E” took the centre stage of our conversation. I shared the experiences of my married life while she, with a childlike innocence, listened patiently to every word that was being said. She confessed about her fears and trepidations and I comforted her with my familiarity with the issue.

The rendezvous came to an end but not before we promised to meet each other soon. So the meeting with Amrita, who has now fine tuned into a beautiful and elegant young woman was great.

I still can’t fathom the caterpillars of my Batch having blossomed into beautiful butterflies and can only imagine the divas that my classmates must have turned into today!!!

Mute creatures are a better company than the walking-taking humans!

Yawwwwwwn….yawnnn…..yawn! As the day draws to a close, I feel the energy drifting out of me like a soul from a dead body. I must admit that today was a little too boring than usual. The heat and boredom is a legal combination to put one off to sleep. At this point I feel like a dead duck, just wanting to slip into the most comfortable shell of my life, my sweet bed. Ah! Sweet because I have decorated the walls surrounding it with a few items that most of the grown ups term either crap or kiddish. Yes, you guessed it right, soft toys.

These toys make me feel young beyond my years and instill a childlike vigour in me to live my life, yes my life, on my own terms. I must tell you that there have been attempts to sabotage my feelings and my personal space by the wise, many a times. But the obstinate that I am, I let such preachings bother me the least! Whenever I feel bored or lonely I talk to these mute creatures who so patiently lend me an ear without ever interrupting me once. So, for a company, these cute, sweet and oh so soft toys are perfect to turn to.

And the best part is that you can talk to them endlessly, sulk at them, vent out your anger by kicking and hurting them without once expecting them to hit back at you in self defense. Is it not a great idea to unleash your violent streak without actually being termed violent by your folks? Now don’t ask me how to escape the watchful eyes of your loved ones. Ok fine. It is as simple as finding the right opportunity (like when your people are engrossed in TV or busy on a phone chat or cooking dinner or even when they have all gone to their respective rooms to rest), locking yourself up in the room and then getting started with the action. Trust me, I have experimented with this violent yet non-violent formula to relieve myself from the burden of the sufferings caused intentionally or unintentionally to me by my loved ones and ok at times by people who don’t matter much. Phew! That’s only because I am one of the many stupid emotional fools on this planet.

At times I do emit my anger on my darling Hubby, who like the wittiest person on this earth only and only listens and lets me talk at length. But at times when I don’t have him around I grab any of my favourite toys and get started….

These toys are so much better than people, at least during these mood swings when no one is interested in wasting their time listening to your heart’s ache. It is then that I feel obliged for having them around because you can order these toys to be with you for as long as you want them, boast about yourself without the fear of being mocked at, share your top secrets without dreading that they might be leaked to unwanted sources, and all the silly things that you want to indulge in without being termed a nerd or a maniac.

Huh… these soft toys are multipurpose and I am so proud of my collection. At least that gives me the opportunity to pick a different one every time I am upset and ready to unleash. Thankfully the rest are spared from the fury while one of them is being tortured!!!

Cool breeze and cold raindrops are provoking the singer in me...

Sitting in my Hell Hole I wonder what if I had wings to fly like the chirpy birds outside. Life would be so much better! What if I had the freedom to enjoy the utterly- butterly quixotic rains and the cool weather today. Given a choice, I wouldn’t mind eloping to a far off, no man’s land with my Hubby darling. Typically like any other die-hard Hindi film fan, the thought of vanishing to my dream place comes first in such a romantic situation.

But here I sit in front of my other saving grace in office, the not so dumb computer with thankfully good speed, writing this piece while many passing thoughts are swiftly running on my mind, all at the same time. Besides people, vehicles and other things even thoughts seem to have entered into the competitive fray!!!

Anyway, back to topic now. It has been raining since I guess five or something. Regrettably the work load makes me forget to keep track of the time machine. Ahem! I just realized that I am indeed one of the busiest persons in this office. WOW. Amusing! People who think otherwise please give it a serious thought. *cat smile*

The cool breeze is blowing into my face, cold drops of rain are falling on to me and good old memories are flashing back, setting the perfect scene for a melodramatic sequence in reel… errrrr….my real life.

I thank God for letting me enjoy this time of the day with his heavenly bliss in the form of the much awaited rain. Over the past few days, Bangalore’s temperature had soared to a 25 year high, making life difficult for all of us and mine, especially in office.

Obviously now I am really missing old pals with whom I have shared some wonderfully kiddish yet thoroughly enjoyable moments of my life. It feels fantastic to recall the time cherishing brainless things I did with Anna and Amita in Pune. Free shows, the San Francisco street, balcony dance, endless chattering, those in house parties, showering ourselves with gifts and above all feeling stupid yet super special in the company of my chums is taking me down the nostalgic lane.

Enough. I am missing them a lot now and wish they could be with me right here, right now to help me ease the pain caused by the long distances separating us.

Now that I don’t have an option to reconnect with my friends at this time and with nature fixing the stage for an ideal romantic evening, I am just wondering how should I celebrate? What about a long drive, the rain dance and then a candle light dinner…. Hmmm… My dil goes hmmmm….hmmmm…. Ok the singer in me is waking up and I need to go. Hubby just arrived. Pray that I enjoy the evening as I dreamt it!

Suggestions as always are welcome :D

When reality bites…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Today was different, or so I thought! With a tinge of romance in the air and the KKR IPL match excitement casting its shadow over me, I was beginning to enjoy my work at office. The work load on my fragile shoulders only doubled no wait, tripled itself since yesterday with the sudden but not so S.H.O.C.K.I.N.G exit of our meek and mild Executive Editor. I really need to pull my socks and wind up the remaining pages as soon as possible, I thought but decided to grab my tiffin first. Like always food remains my top priority irrespective of the place and the situation. And hey I wouldn’t mind being called a foodie or a glutton as I believe “I was born to eat.” *wicked smile*

Enough of self praise!

I was happily enjoying my lunch break with my colleague Monami or my saviour and the lone friend in the Editorial bay or the Hell Hole as it is popularly referred to by the only sensible bunch at office(hard to believe…invite you to share a few minutes in here!). Alas my joy was cut short with a call from the Boss (yeah that’s what our MD is lovingly called by his a** lick*** and he so very much enjoys the treatment .....yuckkkkkk). Don’t be surprised because in India the Babu culture is pretty much alive and my office is one living testimony to the fact.

So the call from Boss brought a tragic end to my sweet dreams saga and all my plans and lovey-dovey and flirtatious feelings came crashing down. The moment I held the phone I was shaken to the harsh reality of life – I am the employee and he is the BOSS. I was taken aback as from the first second his bar*** began to grow louder. He has lost it today, I realized. Without even giving me a chance to defend myself he stooped to a new low and his shrieking voice started irritating me. At first I thought of giving it back to him and reminding him that I was not his slave but a devoted employee whose aim was to raise the bar of the magazine to the untouchable level. Nevertheless, I decided otherwise and kept shut, ignoring half of what he said. Simultaneously I could feel my BP rise, so regaining control became all the more important.

The issue was petty but he made a mountain out of a mole. I missed out on a mail sent by him on Monday to include a particular news item in Monday’s web news. For the news lifter, yes, that’s what he does as he and his so called India’s Numero Uno magazine is so incapable of generating news on its own, it was worst than committing a murder. The bugger started on a harsh note and went on non stop for a few minutes. Like I care! However, the conversation left me pondering about his sanity!!! On a serious note it didn’t behoove the BOSS to talk to an employee in that fashion. I kept mum thinking that I am not supposed to tell a barking dog to keep shut! Well the dog shuts up on its own once it is tired and done!!!

Christ provide some sanity to these lunatic buggers who treat their employees like their slaves and deem it their birth right to crush their dignity under the heavy burden of their own false egos!!!

Needless to say that the incident left me in a state of shock and tears. With tears rolling down my check, I composed myself and called up hubby dear with the Breaking News. Thank GOD I have him in my life. His wisdom and diplomatic tactics always come to my rescue. A brief chat with him and I was back to normal to wind up the long list of chores lined up for the rest of the day!!!

(Written on 13 April, 2010. Couldn’t post it yesterday as there was a power cut at home till the time we hit the sack)

***And hey it was my dear friend Mansi Dutta who suggested that I vent out my anger by scribbling it off --- So thanks Mansi for opening my eyes. Courtesy you, I am now back on the long lost writing track***